Tag Archives: Disembowel that man

Ashes test numero tre

Before this test I was going to write a post about how we could still win the Ashes, and that we weren’t as bad as Adelaide made us seem. I got busy, and didn’t get around to it. I really wish I had of now, so I could be like “I told you so”.

There are still massive problems for Australia (hello Michael Clarke). The fact that Mitchell Johnson is as unpredictable as Melbourne weather coupled with the unpredictableness of Melbourne weather makes the Boxing Day test even more exciting than it usually is. This could be a seriously rain-delayed test, the rain in Melbourne has been persistent and hard to predict.

I follow Ian from the Baggy Green Blog on Twitter and before the Test he made a valid point about the importance of supporting the team when things aren’t going as well as we would hope. It was easy to be an Australian cricket fan during the Steve Waugh/early Ricky Ponting era. The team needs support now, more than ever. What Australians everywhere need to do now, is pray. Pray to God, Allah, Justin Bieber, or whichever deity takes your fancy. Pray for Ricky Ponting’s finger, because the one thing Australia does not need right now is Michael Clarke to be captain. Regular visitors to this blog* may suspect that I don’t really like Michael Clarke. And they would be correct. Putting aside all my personal feelings about him though, he’s just not what Australia need right now. Australia needs a leader, a tough motherfucker who will get hit in the face by a cricket ball and still smile through blood-stained lips. Michael Clarke is soft, and doesn’t perform as a batsmen when the teams needs him to step up. To ask him to grow a pair now would be catastrophic.

Pray for Ricky Ponting

 

Yes, there’s still selection issues. Yes, it may have just been a fluke. But the alternative is truly awful.

* may not actually exist

Leave a comment

Filed under Tournaments I won't care about if Australia doesn't win, We'd better win back the Ashes

Dear Jesus

Hello Jesus,

How are You? You must be excited, it’s almost Your birthday. Jesus, I have a favour to ask. I won’t lie, I’m not entirely Christian, but if You could help me out a little bit, I promise I’ll try really hard to believe in You. Could You please kill Michael Clarke? Actually, that might not be the way You do things. Could You please permanently incapacitate him? I’m not really fussy about how You do it (although painfully would be nice). Cut off his hands, rip out his spine, disembowel the motherfucker, whatever works for You, Jesus. I know that when You were ‘alive’ You preached love and understanding and forgiveness and all that, but Jesus, over the past 12 months the prick averages 55.36 when Australia wins. Now, I know You’re thinking that this is hardly a reason to go Predator on the guy, but over the same period he averages 24.6 when Australia lose and 9 when we draw. Does this strike You as the performance you need from your ‘captain in waiting’ (we’ll talk about this at a later date) number 4? Plus, Jesus, he walked out to bat yesterday with his team 2/17 and played a tentative, wafting, nothing-really kind of airy-fairy ‘shot’ and was caught behind. We needed and deserved more from him then. Some people around the traps have been saying he needs to get back with Bingle (I won’t fill You in, Jesus, because I know how You feel about fidelity), but he was useless before Bingle, during Bingle and after Bingle, so that’s not the solution. No, I’m afraid Jesus, that the only option left to You is to take drastic measures. Australia are about to enter a rebuilding phase (let’s face it, we have no other choice), and we need men. Tough men. Steve Waugh stone cold stare of stainless steel tough. Not Michael “I’m a fucking soft prick” Clarke. It seems he’s untouchable when it comes to selection, so the only option left is for Your Divine Intervention.

Help us Jesus Christ, You’re our only hope

Australia

I'm hard as fuck, y'all

2 Comments

Filed under Spirit of the Game, Tournaments I won't care about if Australia doesn't win, We'd better win back the Ashes