Category Archives: Tournaments I won’t care about if Australia doesn’t win

Ashes test numero quattro

I know it hasn’t actually finished yet, but Australia are 6 down (effectively 7 down, as Ryan Harris is unlikely to bat), so by the time I finish typing it may be officially over. I guess when I asked Santa for Australia to be less shit, I forgot to specify I meant for longer than one Test.

I’m bitterly disappointed, as I guess most Aussies are. I don’t mind so much that we lost the chance to reclaim the Ashes, although that hurts, as it was always going to be tough. What’s really disappointing and  frustrating, is the manner in which we capitulated. Where was the fight? The scrap? The team may not have the pure talent of Australian teams of the past, but it also lacked the pride, fight, and mongrel everyone has come to associate with Australian cricket.

I love cricket, so I’ll always support the team. It makes it really hard though, with the selection issues, the form issues, the confusion, lack of cohesion and total lack of fight. Personally,  I don’t think Ponting should be sacked as captain, mainly because I’ve always loved him, but also because there just isn’t an alternative in the team right now. If Ponting retired tomorrow, I would hope someone worthy got the nod, maybe Brad Haddin, despite him being a wicketkeeper. I honestly don’t think Michael Clarke has the nous, leadership or respect to be captain. I also have to seriously wonder what the selectors are doing. Or what they’re on. Some of their decisions, and related logic, just make no sense. Surely Steve Smith is not the best number 6 in Australia. He’s not even the best number six in the team.

Oh, I don’t know, I’m just really depressed and shit right now. I’m sure just about everyone in Australia knows what needs to happen, with the possible exception of the NSP. All I know for sure is I’m really not looking forward to handing England the Ashes again. Mainly because the unbiased, reasonable part of me know they’ve played really well, totally outplayed Australia in every facet of the game, and absolutely deserve to hold the Ashes.


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Ashes test numero tre

Before this test I was going to write a post about how we could still win the Ashes, and that we weren’t as bad as Adelaide made us seem. I got busy, and didn’t get around to it. I really wish I had of now, so I could be like “I told you so”.

There are still massive problems for Australia (hello Michael Clarke). The fact that Mitchell Johnson is as unpredictable as Melbourne weather coupled with the unpredictableness of Melbourne weather makes the Boxing Day test even more exciting than it usually is. This could be a seriously rain-delayed test, the rain in Melbourne has been persistent and hard to predict.

I follow Ian from the Baggy Green Blog on Twitter and before the Test he made a valid point about the importance of supporting the team when things aren’t going as well as we would hope. It was easy to be an Australian cricket fan during the Steve Waugh/early Ricky Ponting era. The team needs support now, more than ever. What Australians everywhere need to do now, is pray. Pray to God, Allah, Justin Bieber, or whichever deity takes your fancy. Pray for Ricky Ponting’s finger, because the one thing Australia does not need right now is Michael Clarke to be captain. Regular visitors to this blog* may suspect that I don’t really like Michael Clarke. And they would be correct. Putting aside all my personal feelings about him though, he’s just not what Australia need right now. Australia needs a leader, a tough motherfucker who will get hit in the face by a cricket ball and still smile through blood-stained lips. Michael Clarke is soft, and doesn’t perform as a batsmen when the teams needs him to step up. To ask him to grow a pair now would be catastrophic.

Pray for Ricky Ponting


Yes, there’s still selection issues. Yes, it may have just been a fluke. But the alternative is truly awful.

* may not actually exist

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Dear Jesus

Hello Jesus,

How are You? You must be excited, it’s almost Your birthday. Jesus, I have a favour to ask. I won’t lie, I’m not entirely Christian, but if You could help me out a little bit, I promise I’ll try really hard to believe in You. Could You please kill Michael Clarke? Actually, that might not be the way You do things. Could You please permanently incapacitate him? I’m not really fussy about how You do it (although painfully would be nice). Cut off his hands, rip out his spine, disembowel the motherfucker, whatever works for You, Jesus. I know that when You were ‘alive’ You preached love and understanding and forgiveness and all that, but Jesus, over the past 12 months the prick averages 55.36 when Australia wins. Now, I know You’re thinking that this is hardly a reason to go Predator on the guy, but over the same period he averages 24.6 when Australia lose and 9 when we draw. Does this strike You as the performance you need from your ‘captain in waiting’ (we’ll talk about this at a later date) number 4? Plus, Jesus, he walked out to bat yesterday with his team 2/17 and played a tentative, wafting, nothing-really kind of airy-fairy ‘shot’ and was caught behind. We needed and deserved more from him then. Some people around the traps have been saying he needs to get back with Bingle (I won’t fill You in, Jesus, because I know how You feel about fidelity), but he was useless before Bingle, during Bingle and after Bingle, so that’s not the solution. No, I’m afraid Jesus, that the only option left to You is to take drastic measures. Australia are about to enter a rebuilding phase (let’s face it, we have no other choice), and we need men. Tough men. Steve Waugh stone cold stare of stainless steel tough. Not Michael “I’m a fucking soft prick” Clarke. It seems he’s untouchable when it comes to selection, so the only option left is for Your Divine Intervention.

Help us Jesus Christ, You’re our only hope


I'm hard as fuck, y'all


Filed under Spirit of the Game, Tournaments I won't care about if Australia doesn't win, We'd better win back the Ashes

Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

I’ve never written a letter to you before, but desperate times call for desperate measures. You know that Christmas song that says “all I want for Christmas is my two front teeth”? Well, I’m Victorian, so I still have my two front teeth. What I’d really, really, really like for Christmas Santa, is for Australia to be a little less shit. I don’t expect a miracle, I’m not asking for invincible, undefeatable, best team ever, just less shit. I don’t mind losing (that’s a lie, I can’t stand the thought of losing, especially to those South Afr, err, English pricks), but I’d like it if we could at least put up a bit of fight, and stop running around like headless chickens.


That would be really good Santa. I’ll leave really nice biscuits and lots of beer for you.

Lots of love,


PS – if you could wrangle an Ashes victory, that would be super nice too.

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Ashes Test numero uno

It’s gonna be a long summer. I was going to write this long, insightful post about the first Test, and the implications for the series. But then I realised that the only thing worse than sitting through the last three days of that Test is talking about it, so I’ll just go sit in the dark and think about gloating Englishmen instead.


Although, certain things are worth saying. Go Sizzle. Uh, Mitch?? Ponting was pulling like a champ. Watson bowls like he’s running uphill through treacle.


Steve Waugh never had to put up with this shit...


Where’s the rug? Anyway, hear about it from the horse’s mouth.



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ICC World Twenty20, 20th Match, Group F: Australia v Sri Lanka

That is all.


Filed under Tournaments I won't care about if Australia doesn't win

ICC World Twenty20

So the ICC World Twenty20 comp has started. Just as well too, it has been far too long since the last Twenty20 competition. Other people have reviewed the tournament way better than I could, so I don’t really need to add anything. Plus, I really don’t have the energy.

I do, however, have the inside scoop on some of the odds being offered on the tournament.

The chance of England will suffer an ‘unexpected‘ loss to a minnow – against Ireland $2.50  – in the semi finals $75

Chance of Graeme Smith breaking a finger – $1.50

Chance of lil davy warner proving Darwin’s theory of Natural Selection $1.80

Chance of me getting out of bed at 3am to watch games $30

Chance of an Australian not saying “Aw look” during a prematch and/or postmatch interview $1.20

Chance of Pakistan feeding Shahid Afridi 7 large Hawaiian pizzas, 5 chicken kebabs, 19 litres of peppermint choc chip icecream, 23 granny smith apples, 12 raspberry lollipops and 8 footlong pepperoni subs before every match, just in case $2.30

Chance of Australia being knocked out in the first round $3.60

Chance of me caring about the tournament should Australia be knocked out in the first round $780

Chance of Dirty Dirk being absolutely awesome $1.01


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